What did YOU do During the War, Grapevine?
by Ken D


(Retro article alert: This was originally written for GV22, at 
a time when you couldn't move for 50-years-since-the-end-of-World-War-II 
TV shows, coffee mugs, sticker books etc. Just put yourself in a 
mid-1990's frame of mind ....)	

It's just over 50 years since the end of the last world war, as I'm 
sure you all know. But few people realise of the effort and bravery 
displayed by THIS VERY MAGAZINE. In previous lives, many of the people 
behind Grapevine fought in the battles that would shape our future ...



Field General Oedipus (Field HQ)

General Joe, the one-time editor of Grapevine, planned the battles 
that would win the war. In particular, the famous Battle of The 
Deadline (1939-1943/44/45-95) was planned, fought, lost, won, lost
again, and finally conquered single-handedly by Joe himself. For 
this, he was awarded the Purple Disk by King George.

Private Pazza (Home Front)

Martin stayed back in Blighty, and played a major part in "Dad's Army": 
his Dad's Army, to be precise, forging ration books to help the poor. 
Martin was eventually apprehended with 5 dud clothing vouchers, 2 2d 
stamps and a coupon for a packet of powdered egg. After his trial and 
convicton, Martin went on to become a Tory MP.

Captain Ken D (Front Line)

For the front line troops, life at war was one of deprevation, terror
and daily traumas. Captain Ken, however, was brought up in Scotland, 
so he was used to all that. Despite single-handedly killing over 
2,000 Germans - who tried to steal his deck-chair - Ken remained 
anonymous during and after the war, and lived a quiet and unglamorous 
life in Barbados until his untimely death in 1974. Rumours persisted 
of a secret Nazi pay-off deal involving large amounts of gold, but 
these remain unsubstantiated.

Sergant Shagratt (Cryptology)

As his decendants have shown, the Shagratt family have shown a real 
talent for coding. The wartime Shagratt, however, was the exception 
to the rule. His early career showed promise, but he was drafted out 
of the wartime code-breaking team after a chance error. Given the 
order to encode the message for the troops to attack a vital Germany 
machine-gun nest, Shagratt mistakenly hit the wrong lever on the 
EDSIAC/DX2-66 encryption machine, and unknowingly transmitted a 
message, in plain English, reading "ADOLF IS AS GAY AS A LITTLE PINK 
TOOTHBRUSH". This simple act alone may have prolonged the war by two years.

Commander Axen (Intelligence)

Agent Axen started out his career in MI5 behind enemy lines, posing 
as a German lady named "Frauline Braun". Unfortunately, his disguise 
as a beautiful young German girl was so convincing, he quickly 
attracted the attentions of Hitler himself. It was only by agreeing 
to marry the German leader, then shooting him dead and buggering off 
to Russia that Axen managed to escape. Once back in Britian, Axen was 
promoted to Commander, before mysteriously disappearing on a trip to 
Frankfurt, never to be seen again.

General Major Cyanide (War Correspondant)

Employed by the world-famous Pathe Cine-Reel news organisation, 
Cyanide reported to hundreds around the world on the war as he saw 
it. Unfortunately for the world, Cyanide was given complete editorial 
control over his correspondance, and the world was treated to a 
slightly twisted version of events. Thankfully, little of Cyanide's 
original film has survived to this day, but every now and again an 
item surfaces featuring the 1943 Chicken Molestation Finals, or an 
in-depth feature into necrophilia in the trenches.

PC Fish (Military Police)

Constable Fish, or "Haddock of the Mod Plod Squad" to his friends, 
patrolled the barrocks and the trenches, keeping his eye out for 
dodgy beer & knocked-off ciggys, and keeping them for himself. PC 
Fish went on become Sargent Fish, then Commisionaire Fish, before 
retiring from the Police shortly after the end of the War and 
setting up his own Off-License.

End.